Survival Mode

16 inches by 20 inches

Acrylic and Gouache on Canvas, 2022

This painting is a personal reflection on my past self, from my vantage point today.

I was 22. I had bright red short hair and an uncertain smile and felt like I was drowning. My physical health was gradually declining from a then-mysterious illness, making work increasingly difficult. At work, I dissociated with a smile on my face while my PTSD caused multiple painful flashbacks a day. I was a shapeshifter in the most disempowering sort of way.

Over time, everything changed. I found a stable relationship to a good man who is now my husband. I stopped working and fought for my health even when doctors acted like it was all in my head and finally found people who could help me. I found answers. I healed myself and set boundaries even when that meant distancing from people. I started being more open about my queerness and my quirks and my pain. I started seeing my own beauty.

I am so thankful to my past self, for surviving it all so I could live.